I know for me, forgiving myself is one of the hardest things to do.
The definition of forgive is “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake”.
My illness has caused a lot of damage in our lives. We’ve lost our home, cars, jobs, friends, everything… almost. I wonder at times how I didn’t lose Chris. Chronic illness effects every part of your world. I blame myself for all of it and I struggle to forgive myself.
Is it right to blame myself? Chris says no, because I didn’t do anything to cause my illness. But it’s hard not to feel responsible. It’s hard for me to forgive me.
I am learning through my training as a Grief Recovery Method Specialist that I was only judging myself for a lack of knowledge and experience in new or different situations, none of which needs forgiveness. There is nothing for me to forgive because I did nothing wrong. I didn’t set out to create an “offense, flaw or mistake” as the definition of forgiveness states.
Sometimes we just have to let ourselves off the hook, to let go of the past. Sometimes things just happen. It’s no one’s fault. It just is.
I’m learning to love myself more, and that feels good. It makes me smile.