Didn’t know before…

I know for me, forgiving myself is one of the hardest things to do.

The definition of forgive is “to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake”.

My illness has caused a lot of damage in our lives.  We’ve lost our home, cars, jobs, friends, everything… almost.  I wonder at times how I didn’t lose Chris.  Chronic illness effects every part of your world.  I blame myself for all of it and I struggle to forgive myself.

Is it right to blame myself?  Chris says no, because I didn’t do anything to cause my illness.  But it’s hard not to feel responsible. It’s hard for me to forgive me.

I am learning through my training as a Grief Recovery Method Specialist that I was only judging myself for a lack of knowledge and experience in new or different situations, none of which needs forgiveness.  There is nothing for me to forgive because I did nothing wrong.  I didn’t set out to create an “offense, flaw or mistake” as the definition of forgiveness states.

Sometimes we just have to let ourselves off the hook, to let go of the past.  Sometimes things just happen.  It’s no one’s fault.  It just is.

I’m learning to love myself more, and that feels good.  It makes me smile.

Hugs, Cee

email: cee@cee-chris.com



23 Replies to “Didn’t know before…”

  1. I can certainly relate to this. Once you have a disease, disability or an accident people will flee from you quick, fast and in a hurry. It’s like being branded with the Scarlet letter. Nobody wants to be bothered with your problems because you symbolise bad luck.
    I have been going through that for years but since my accident last month it’s gotten worse. I’m a pariah. Like the lepers in Bible days. I even had to delete all my blog posts that discussed the accident and my injury to my left eye after someone sent me a rude nasty horrible email. Now I’ve learned better and will not discuss my left eye, disability or injury any more


    1. What I’ve learned with working with grief, it is not so much the details of what happened to us in the past. What I’m beginning to see works and heals is talking about how the loss, injuries, or death effects. It is more about our reactions and feelings than the details. Thanks DeBorah for commenting.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Good morning, Cee. I was thinking about the same thing recently with a little twist. My friend and I were talking about regrets, and my question was how does one regret for not knowing? Is that possible?
    What you wrote makes me think hard. I think I have gotten out of blaming mode, but how I wish I had known more when I was young. I thought I had made right choices; how could those I-was-so-sure right decisions turned out to be something I am not proud of now? And when you try to pass your what-you-know-now to younger people, a lot of times, they think they know better.
    Thank you, Cee, for a wonderful post. Have a great day.


    1. We grow and mature and things we may have done younger, we as mature adults may not do. I find the only question you need ask yourself is “did I intend harm”. If the answer is no *and 99.99% of time it will be, then you have done nothing to be regretful for.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I knew you had been ill, but I had no idea what a huge effect it had on your life and Chris’s. Good for her for being such a loyal partner and good for you for finding a way to recover from all of it..physical and mental.


    1. Chris has really been my champion and supporter through this whole ordeal. I was to sick to go anywhere for years. A trip to the grocery store would wear me out for a week. It’s nice to have my life back. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m convinced you would be able to wholeheartedly say in an instant ‘It’s not your fault’ if another person was to blame themselves in exactly the same situation. It’s funny how we find it so much harder to see as clearly when we’re directly involved. It’ll be a real blessing if, through your training, you can find a way to let yourself off the hook.


  5. It is hard to stop blaming ourselves for things that really are not our fault. I have had several failed businesses, so when we sold one building I was left with nothing to start anything else. I have to use my husbands money again. I blame myself for no retirement fund, but I just have to move on and make smarter choices. That is what we have to do, move on, rebuild.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You made the best decisions at the time. It isn’t easy to move on, but I am finding that through the Grief Recovery Method moving on and growing forward really is possible.


    1. Please don’t ever compare grief with someone else. One thing to keep in mind is that we all feel our own grief 100%. It is not the story or drama behind our grief, its how we feel is at the core of our pain and heartache. And that is equal to all of us.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. This is SO true (and often the hardest thing to do). Chris sounds like a wonderful person — love reminds us to forgive ourselves when we forget entirely. 💛💛💛


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